I need to know how anybody who is human could resist the idea of coming to a festival known as Fun Fun FUN FEST??  Who doesn’t like to have FUNNNNN?

What is this you ask?  Only the coolest music festival in Austin.  Way cooler than ACL (Austin City Limits) in the sense that FFF Fest doesn’t splay all the well known, well contracted bands who have had, say, singles on TV.  Fun Fun Fun Fest caters to those people who are tried and true but not completely commercialized (though there are exceptions as ‘such is life’ or c’est la vie as the French shrug and say before throwing back some wine and cheese).  Last year Fun Fun Fun Fest brought in a bunch of El Caminos and spread them around Auditorium Shores (the site of the festival in Austin) for people to take imaginary rides in, or take cute pictures in reminiscent of days gone by, or perhaps to roll up the windows and smoke weed in.  Which, yeah, was a prob for the festival so they got rid of the El Caminos this year. 

Fun Fun Fun Fest brings in a professional photographer—who will take your picture in a decked out port-o-potty.  Fun Fun Fun Fest will bring in my future husband Henry Rollins who will stand up on a tiny stage and literally marry a couple who will then eat each others faces off in a fit of passion.  Fun Fun Fun Fest will build a bad-ass skater-and-BMX-bike ramp that might bring back the Bones Brigade from the dead.  Fun Fun Fun Fest will bring in other bands back from the dead for reunion shows like Run DMC (check), Refused (check) and Turbonegro (check) nevermind other legends such as Los Angeles punk band X and Bob Mould all who did solo shows in 2012 (check and check).  FFF Fest will attract the attention of famous director Terrence Malick who will drag Ryan Gosling to the festival to shoot film footage for his next masterpiece and then have Gosling hang out for the rest of the festival, moshing to heavy metal bands and getting his very own Ryan Gosling underwear the festival sold in 2012 to commemorate the hottest guy in Hollywood having visited.  FFF Fest will have wrestling championships, and air sex championships, and of course the beloved veggie hot dog eating contest. 

I am blessed that my birthday (November 4th) will, per the calendar, fall several times during the 3 day festival as they typically feature the festival the beginning of November.  It is a great excuse to say that I celebrated my birthday with amazing musicians like Turbonegro, Run DMC, Slayer, Public Enemy, M83, Mastodon, Bad Religion, and so….many…more.  I will never be able to go out of town for my birthday ever again, as long as the festival falls around this time of year, as FFF Fest is not to be missed.

What is THIS you ask?  A long winded infomercial for FFF Fest??  WTF?  Where is my $19.95 buy one and oh wait, if you order in the next 10 minutes I will throw in not one but TWO for FREE offer?  I don’t really want to say too much because I know at this point FFF Fest is probably getting to its apex, and at some point the festival is going to become too big for its britches, and it will start charging insane amounts for admission and then sell out over capacity.  So to discourage this future prophesy I will explain some crap about FFF Fest:  the dirt.  See, Auditorium Shores (remember—the location for FFF Fest) year round is a leash-free dog park.  And yes, kudos to the festival gatekeepers for keeping the ground clean before they launch each year but for the love of God people all that DUST that circles in the air, especially when people are moshing way out on the Black Stage in the dustiest part of Auditorium Shores–you are inhaling dog shit.  Small particles of every shape and size are firmly lodging in your lungs and staying there permanently for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  The hard, dark boogers (just being real) that you will pick out of your nose for several days after the festival are JUST THE BEGINNING.  Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if in 30 years people who are devoted attendees of the FFF Fest start to get the FFF Fest Lungs, a sort of mesothelioma condition that cannot be cured and cannot be collected on because all the lawyers at this point in history will have self imploded from the litany of lawsuits our litigious culture has bestowed on them, and there was a mutiny and they all jumped ship, and ahem, what was I talking about again??

Oh yeah.  The greatest music festival in Austin.  I closed my 33rd birthday this year jumping up and down in a sweaty mess of people for as-previously-stated-the-recently-reunited-Norwegian-band Turbonegro who closed the festival on the Black Stage (read: metal stage) in a fit of passion, having the audience part in a divide of “Texas vs Mexico” fashion (their words) where the ‘Texas’ side had to shout the lyrics “I’ve got an erection” over and over again while the band played their hearts out until, oh shit, the noise ordinance kicked in.  Because people in the overpriced high rises fervently taking over the skyline of Austin have to sleep.