I’ve been contemplating a lot on the invisible forces at play in life. Being a planet of illusion you can be experiencing one thing but under the surface other truths are playing out.

I’ve been dealing a lot with my feelings towards where I live for the past year. Really deeply contemplating if this town is a good fit for me or not anymore. When I moved here I was 27 and freshly divorced. I had recently started drinking alcohol at that time, something that was new to me as I did not drink up until that time. I was new to learning the rules and social cues of people, the con of people so to speak. I’m working off a different operating system. I don’t understand the games. I really didn’t understand the games at age 27, I’m better now at age 39 thanks to experience but it is still something I don’t relate to.

In a lot of ways I’m kinda like those nerdy people with shades of Aspergers. In the town I live in it is very events driven, very active and external. After moving here I really threw myself into this. The people who have known me the past decade may not realize that doing this put me way, way outside my comfort zone. I’m nerdy and more introverted. I’m real. Yet I felt like because I was behind my peers in growth I needed to learn and experience so I took myself out of my comfort zone. I drank a lot, I attended tons of events, festivals, Yelping, played social sports even though I’m not remotely an athlete and attended countless concerts amongst so many other things. Just being there, just showing up was a lot for me. I think secretly I had hoped something of substance would come out of it. I think subconsciously I thought it would happen, would be natural. Twelve years in my entire journey has been horizontal and not vertical. There are no roots here. No kids, stepkids, current or previous relationships (I’ve been single the whole time, not that I wanted to it’s just the way the cards fell as those I was interested in didn’t pan out), no career here, the things that really matter that are close to the heart are absent. Many of my female friends have had babies and moved away. The ones I’ve chosen to remain friends with here are all married. I feel left out. I’m very independent, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have things to share too. I’m tired of who I am going to waste. I have all this capability, I’m smart, real, I care, I have depth and humor and am not boring. I’m tired of having to carry the load and do everything. I feel that because I haven’t sat idle the past 12 years I should have something to show for that. I don’t. I should have just stayed home the whole time. My life would have been more enriched spending all that time reading good books and watching compelling film. I wouldn’t have had to have put up with people’s crap, their drama and meanness.

I’m tired of unrequited desire. I’m tired of people’s judgments. I’m tired of the superficialities. I’m tired of the elevation of average based on the high value of externals like someone’s fucking job. The things that really matter are invisible.

I’m just really done with everything I’ve been spending my time on because it has ultimately lead to nowhere. It obviously just wasn’t right for me. I’m fed up. If I were to stay in this city it would have to become an entirely different city than it has been for me. I don’t know if that’s realistic or not.