My dreams keep getting stronger and more profound as I get older and go through more healing. My psychic energy that I had so strongly as a little girl has started to grow more as I heal as a woman.

I think that it is an inclination to want to put labels on dreams and “find a solution” when sometimes you have to just let the dreams speak and just bear witness to them without judgment–something that is a challenge in a world that has all the answers at the click of a button that wants to index everything. Osho speaks of the need for people to live in the insecurity of the unknown. He asks, do you want to have the security of a graveyard? Then the only answer is to embrace the unknown and insecurity of life.

There is a guy that I know in the town I live in that I have a connection with. He is constantly in my dreams. So much so that in this case I’ve purposely had to make a conscious effort to block this from my dreams–an instance where I’m not willing to let ‘what is’ flow in. It isn’t a bad thing I’m just tired of him being in my space. I feel like he and I have an electricity when I’m around him. When he speaks it energetically affects me, like a shockwave. I’m just hyper-sensitive to whatever he says. This creates an instability.

There was a period of time where as a result of this charge I felt like we were supposed to date or something and I had feelings for him. But it didn’t go anywhere. And I was left with all these dreams.

One of the dreams was very specific. It was a past life dream. We lived out in the country. We were married, had like 8 kids and ran a large farm. In the dream the details of the systems were made clear. The system of the children. The crops from the harvesting to the selling of them. The animals from assisting the birth to the slaughter. The folk music created which were stories tied into this life. Music was a part of this. And the message of the dream was very clear: all of this came together and worked because of us. He and I were a team, and our teamwork was the nucleus for all the other systems to work. It was the glue that held everything together. We were like a mirror of each other.

Every dream I have with us has been about us working together as a team on some level. Every dream there is a natural harmony and grace with us as we effortlessly move in sync. But on Earth, on the physical plane, we don’t have this. And this is the most painful part.

For me, this isn’t about romance. It is about connection and the lack thereof. I feel like emotionally I am ahead of him, as he acts like a boy and wants to play games and I refuse to engage with this as I’m a woman not a teenager emotionally. This is one reason why a romance wouldn’t work for us as emotional compatibility is a key part of a relationship that is romantic in nature and he is immature. But our lack of being able to harmonize together freely as people haunts me. The invisible wall between us and subsequent disconnect creates tremendous sadness in my heart which may be why I have frequent dreams about him, dreams where the underlying harmony and connection is free.

In a perfect world I would reach out to him like I’ve tried to so many times in the past and he would have gratitude in his heart for such and be real with me rather than just squandering away the potential for connection by playing games with it. In a perfect world we could put together our energies and gifts for the greater good and this would create peace. And the systems so beautifully illustrated in my dreams would come forth and good things would sprout from this creation. But in order to create a glue that binds it requires a capacity of giving beyond your own self. And this doesn’t exist with him as he is self centered. This consideration for the other and desire isn’t there so the rest of the things cannot follow. They are blocked up in a bottleneck. Instead they play out in my head when I sleep.

I don’t feel like there is a solution to this. I don’t feel like resolution is going to happen. I have to keep moving forward in my life which is always the theme for me–constant renewal. I feel like this situation can be chalked up to the beautiful mystery of life–the insecurity that Osho encourages us to embrace wholeheartedly. So many times on Earth there just aren’t going to be answers.