“A true conception of the relation between the sexes will not admit of conqueror and conquered; it knows but of one great thing; to give of one’s self boundlessly, in order to find one’s self richer, deeper, better”. –Emma Goldman

Everything in today’s culture is about “getting some”. It’s about cheap sex, funneled through (usually) an app, where people connect physically and then the guy goes off and brags about how that girl basically just became his vagina, and the girl (when she’s not crying over confused feelings this has stirred up) declares with determined hope “that’s ok because I got some too!”

It’s about filling out check mark boxes (Master’s degree? Into Thai food as much as I am? Has to love The Princess Bride!) For men, it’s about an ideal woman where her physical looks are a big factor. For women, it’s about physical too, and in a lot of cases having “things” like the perfect shaped stone on her diamond she’s talked about for years with her girlfriends and probably pinned on to her Pinterest board dreaming about not a real human to share life with but rather what the jewelry he’s going to buy for her looks like.

The “getting some” shows up in vapid behaviors in the dating scene, like sending texts to go on dates, then counting up dates like gathering tickets for an arcade, waiting to collect on the bigger prize with each “win”. The continual conduct of the dates racks up the score higher and higher, because everyone of course is keeping score. Since the phone call is no longer involved anymore the ability to focus on one person and one meaningful conversation goes out the door, and instead dating becomes filled with multi-tasking like having multiple text conversations at once while watching Parks and Rec on your iPad and Skyping your sister in Utah on your laptop. There is distance in distant exchanges. For dates people are mostly focused on loud concerts, bars, and movies in the “experience” itself rather than getting to know someone on a personal scale. The doing becomes the thing. The choppy nature of texts count as something somehow.

This is because the way that all of this is kept track of is in using numbers. How many days since I last had sex? How long since my last relationship? How long did that last relationship last? How much do I weigh on this scale? What is the size of my dress? These numbers are used as data to crunch out the bigger picture, which should show how we are doing. Of course, lower is better. For ladies, small weight on the scale and small dress size, to keep up bragging rights for the word “tiny”. Lesser number of days since we last had sex or a relationship indicates our “prowess”. The only time you want bigger numbers is in how long your last relationship was, to show off your skill of follow through and commitment.

In a lot of cases from this approach what happens are miscommunicated intentions. In a world with unclear boundaries one party in the duo might be after one thing while the other party is after another which doesn’t come out until later. This happens if sex is used early and often, and in many cases the female becomes emotionally attached while the male is still in the “having fun” zone. So she’s invested in her world in something more, while he’s far behind her in that regard. Or the guy becomes attached because the female is sexy and seductive, and maybe they even have some history together, so he gets strung along with her indifferent behavior hoping for more while she toys away in an unclear playing zone. The default excuse as always when sex is involved is to put the sex on a pedestal like the Crown Jewels themselves, and remark admirably up at those sparkling jewels with a smile on your face on how you are in the end “getting some”. Conqueror and conquest, each declaring the other so. It’s a race to the male orgasm almost always, with the woman in the backseat, trained and brainwashed to be thrilled and grateful to be on this wild ride.

This world of princes and princesses has for our women especially created the most predatory behavior. The females of our planet have turned into billboards. We put them up for sale, then sell them inch by inch. Think of pop music, and Ke$ha. The predatory behavior almost always includes a flaunting of alcohol, showing off labels on bottles and types of liquor as a branding to oneself alongside clothing labels too. With the significance of advertising preying on us as people it is hard to get away from making our own identities with brands. We literally become brands ourselves, only furthering the predatory exchange. Billion dollar industries get spurred out of this. Annoying hash tags are used on social media like how we’re single. The pick up artist community is formed, treating women as conquests (remember the numbers game?). Women agree to this conquest in the name of fun and “getting theirs too”. It’s like the years for women behind the ironing board, the kitchen stove, the station wagon and even the harvesting fields has produced a need to show off how liberated she has now become in stepping up to bat with men and conquering too. With her boobs, and her ass, her tiny waist, and her vagina. In reality, she’s still selling herself pound by pound, and inch by inch. Not a whole, but parts of a whole. It’s one of the biggest lies for women.

In the midst of this sea of confusion and uncertainty and intention comes a rally cry: Get brave! Go on out there! Throw yourself into those shark infested waters! It’s a new day, the past is history and the rest a mystery so what are you waiting for hmmmm? Love is waiting on YOU. For the ones willing to pay the price there can be fun things. Dinners. Laughter. Sex! Some great photos because always a picture in today’s world. Selfies. Check in’s. A social media virtual paper trail. Used to justify “the thing”. Used to uphold the illusion.

Of course there are the unspoken things. Like this is part of the fun, so you just have to “not care” and go along for the ride and “have fun” so that you can participate in this dysfunction in style, with ease. Being cool. Always cool of course. Because everyone is watching now. Everything has become a form of entertainment which ties into the consumption aspect. It feeds the beast. The beast is always hungry for more.

No wonder people are so detached. Behind this dog and pony dance are real feelings, and insecurities. Battle scars from having been caught up, and maybe chewed up and spit out a time or two. And when the prince and princess selfish mentality of self focus is in place a hand is never reached out to the other party in an attempt to bridge any gaps. Instead, the focus stays on oneself and what the other person is or isn’t doing for them. The other person’s reluctant vibes or walls is interpreted not from a place of compassion for that person but from a place of selfish focus of how that isn’t going to fit your need or how you aren’t going to or can’t blah blah blah you you you. So things get lost in this self focus of conquest. A boost of confidence or help to the other is never demonstrated. And this is where we really need bravery.

We need bravery in going beyond our own selves and reaching out to others beyond our own interests. This takes guts. We need bravery in a bigger vision than just ‘getting some’. We need to be brave in not having to show off but be at peace in the face of numbers that aren’t perfect or bodies that aren’t perfect. We need men who are brave enough to hold a vision beyond their own boundary of self interest and be strong in holding space for women who may be hurt or walled because that solid ground of safety and acceptance creates a fertile field where she will flourish. The bravery doesn’t come in throwing yourself back into a rat race of confusion and take. The bravery comes from being bigger than that collectively, and uniting into a bigger picture of each other. The bravery is in being vulnerable, and not perfect but accepting of that in each other because you are in it for more than yourself.

This is when the turmoil reduces. When women own their light instead of chasing after it because feminine force is unequaled in its grace and strength and power and I’m not talking about from a predatory place. This is where you ditch the pitch and just be without having to say anything or do anything. The lack of propping yourself up and depending on your natural light takes bravery. This is where you can stand strong and use this position for better placement rather than in being used for fodder. This is where men can have permission to be men, and take a stand for something. This is when princes become kings and princesses become queens. We need this for each other. We need this for our kingdom we will leave behind that the future kids will inherent. As this isn’t just about us and our needs alone. The more we attempt to live and create in this world of self interest the more unfulfilled we will be. This is about the bigger picture. And the 1st step in this journey of uniting is to start with yourself, and trusting yourself flaws and all, into a place of vision where at that point, having 1st made understood your own self trust, it isn’t about you anymore at all. This is about each other recognizing those same flaws in themselves too and wanting to reach out for the other person anyway. This is the collective. This is the bond that forms and becomes bigger than oneself. This is what genuine love is. Love is what magic is. The real magic. On this scale we become the true magicians and creators in a united adventure. There are so many avenues of life waiting to be explored from this unexplored place.