I keep wrestling with the same energies and emotions every day, which has only gotten worse the past couple of months.  I feel like I’ve spent so many years in a perpetual state of PTSD, and if there’s one huge side effect of such it’s that it holds your voice back.  The effect of trauma is such where you exist in a sort of suspended state, without strength or courage to say “this is who I am.  I want you/this”.  For me coming out of this state has been a slow thaw.  The most important thing for any human is to be free to be who they really are.  This is how your unique music is brought to the table. Not under the lid of what family or society wants you to be but what you know in your heart who YOU are.  We must as a society keep fighting for the freedom of people to do this, without judgment.  

The two most important questions any human can ask themself is this: “Who am I”? and “What do I want?” It is so easy to go through the world and drift, just reacting to life, especially as you get older.  The power comes in creating a laser beam of intention.  This coming out of who you are is exactly what the planet needs but you have to drop the mask and be brave enough to trust.  This is where I’m at.  On this cliff, peeking down.

I know exactly what I want to do.  I have no doubt. But what I want to do won’t happen overnight mainly because it’s the creative industry and that industry is hard to monetize, especially without a mentor in the field and I don’t have that.  Also, I will have to pour a lot of energy into it before I will ever make any money, if ever.  So I need 2 things to make it work: lots of time on my hands and money in the bank.  This is one (of many reasons) why I can’t work a corporate job.  A corporate job means you are their bitch.  And besides the fact that I’m never going to be anybody’s bitch because I’m the queen isn’t even the point–it’s that I have to do things against the standards of norm to pull through and make this shine.

So in the meantime I’m forced to move forward on a non traditional path, wrestling with the fact that I’m at point A and am ready to be at point D.  Patience has never been a virtue of mine.  The older I get, each day, I feel like I don’t have much time. The slow effects of stepping closer to my death each day I wake is felt more and more even though we all “assume” we will live to be 80-90 years yet we are all operating on an unknown expiration date.