There’s an old saying that says the opposite of love isn’t hate it’s indifference.  This term was used a lot in the post World War II examination of the Germans’ behavior towards concentration camps and Jews.  Call this a “WTF” sort of behavior.

The United States this past week elected a new President (Trump) with zero political experience whose entire campaign was built on hate, misogyny and indifference towards others.  It’s a kind of license to be shitty, and so many of the masses for some bizarre reason chimed right in with his rhetoric.  You would think that a thing as epic as running for President Of the USA would instead be a journey of inspired talks and a striving for better, but no.  When faced with questions on 60 Minutes a few days ago about such horrible behavior being shown by his followers and the consequences of such as it related to his campaign he just downplayed the events as hyperbole.  In other words, indifference.  Indifference for the consequences of his behavior as a leader, indifference towards the feelings of those being harmed, indifference in general about anything beyond himself and his own agenda.   The root of this type of existence is a lack of a respect for other people, a deeply rooted self absorption.

I recently stopped hanging out with a good friend of mine.  Our friendship was only about 18 months old, but we spent a lot of time together and even traveled during this short duration of the friendship.  I don’t hate this person–she has redeeming qualities.  Except for one major, glaring stripe in who she is and that is an extreme narcissism and arrogance.  This narcissism causes her to ‘gas light’ when she does something wrong and the other person gets upset, meaning she shifts the blame of her bad behavior to others instead of taking responsibility herself.  It causes her to make snide comments about people and their choices, especially if she doesn’t approve.  The dealbreaker for me was this pattern that emerged in the course of our friendship.  The pattern started early, she pulled the 1st stunt within the first month of our friendship, at SXSW 2015.  I had a film badge, she had a wristband.  Since badges were let in the theater 1st, I would save her a seat so that she could get prime seating next to me.  One day while she and I were waiting in line to see a film a woman she knew showed up in line.  We all chatted.  When I went into the theater at the time of seating I told my friend I would save her a seat.  After getting inside, I texted her coordinates.  No reply.  People kept filing in, and people kept wanting my extra seat.  Time passed.  I texted her again, asking where was she I was holding her seat?  My friend had gone AWOL.

So I got up out of my seat to go and find her.  There she was, on the opposite side of the theater, sitting with her female friend just chatting away.  When I tapped her on the shoulder she looked surprised that I had sought her out, and she snidely told me that she would be sitting with this woman for this film.  Now how hard would it have been for her to send me a quick text telling me this in advance, or maybe even saying something back when we were outside waiting in line?  Not hard.  I went back to my seat and removed my sweater from the seat I was saving for her, my face burning with humiliation.   This pattern of disrespect would repeat itself over and over again.  At Pitchfork this past summer I was standing with her and her husband waiting for the headliner and I had to pee.  “We’ll be right here, to the right of the sound stage” she told me, as I dashed of to find a port-o-potty in the crowds.  When I came back a few minutes later they were gone.  I texted her, asking where was she and I found out they were the complete opposite of where they had been, she decided to move to the far side of the festival and due to the crowds I couldn’t find her.  Again, this weird pattern of not communicating, of going AWOL, of indifference.

This past October she pulled this stunt for the last time.  At ACL Weekend Two we had agreed to meet up for Foals, she was coming back into the festival grounds and I texted her where I was at, my exact coordinates.  She feigned trying to find me, then disappeared, stopped texting.  I kept trying to find her, I waited under this giant sign by the stage like a chode, thinking the whole time Foals were playing she would come get me so I didn’t move from my position.  She did not.  I found out after their set was done that she had put her phone in her purse like some psychopath, instead of just being honest and sending a quick text like “hey let’s sit this one out and I’ll meet you after” or something.  When I called her out on this disrespectful behavior she, of course, gaslighted me like a good narcissist does to make it seem like I’m crazy for being upset.  Her exact words to me were “I came to ACL to watch bands.  I paid $150 to see 3 bands today and I intend to see them.  Not spend the fest draining my battery texting with you instead of listening to the band”.

People are flawed, and my friendship with her could have continued had she just realized how fucked up it is to talk to a friend this way, and treat a friend this way.  But the core issue here, and the reason why I had to stop hanging out with her, is because of her inability to say “I’m sorry.  I messed up.  I will be more conscious of my behavior in this manner”.   The core issue is her indifference, because sadly she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior even though she has done this over and over and over.  I honestly don’t think in her entire life she has ever uttered the words “I’m sorry.  I messed up”.  The only kinds of people these types can keep relationships with are people willing to be door mats to such behavior, and overlook the disrespect and lack of accountability.  In other words, people okay with indifference.   I cannot continue in a friendship with this sort of repeated pattern of disrespect, as it isn’t right and I cannot fully trust a friend who chooses to be so cold and indifferent at times. I’m forced to be left holding the bag over and over, something I refuse to do anymore.

I’ve been reading a lot of stuff on the necessity of vulnerability and risk taking.  How crucial this is to life.  How we as a world need this.  But how can we move forward and be vulnerable and put ourselves out there when fellow humans treat each other with such indifference and selfishness?  We do not have a mass policy of love or care.  We have a mass policy of indifference.  Our own newly elected President of the United States is a picture of indifference.  The dating world is a picture of indifference, with people ‘ghosting’ even after going on actual dates or spending days chatting.  The really fucked up thing is that this is supposed to be ‘cool’ and ‘chill’.  Meaning you not having feelings, being like “whatever”, in other words being downright NUMB, that’s how everyone is ‘supposed’ to be.  This massive behavior of disrespect towards fellow woman/man and their feelings is how you be ‘cool’.  Guess what I say?  FUCK THAT.  Learn some manners.  Manners is a tool of behavior when you think of something or someone besides yourself.  When you start to feel what others feel not just what you feel.  In other words, COMPASSION.  If you want to Make America Great Again, how about starting with COMPASSION towards each other.  You don’t have to agree, but you extend such respect because you CARE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE’S FEELINGS BESIDES YOUR OWN.  The posterity of humanity.  The posterity of a friendship and a better world.  What the world needs now is love right Jackie DeShannon?  Yes, and compassion and respect and CARE.  This starts with openness, and communication.  It starts with being self aware.  It starts with going beyond your own boundary and looking out for each other as a collective whole: whole unit of a family, whole unit of a friendship, whole unit of a city and state, whole unit of a country, whole unit of a planet.