There’s been a common theme in my life and that is barrier to entry.  It started with my dad.  He was a character, a witty, fun guy who came from a musical family who played 5 different instruments who read thick non fiction books and also books of literature who was an investment banker who loved to cook, etc etc etc.  I have no doubt that my dad and I would have been best friends had we had the chance, but alas I would never have a relationship with him because he had a disease called alcoholism.  This created a barrier to entry and from that other things fell. (My mother was another barrier to entry to him but that’s another post for another time).

Then there are other people I’ve encountered who have other barriers to entry, like ego.  Ego is one of the most myopic forces around.  It grows from the soil called “I have all the answers” and so these people shut out the power and magic of the universe by this restriction AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING.  It’s like a superpower, used backwards.

For me, the type of woman I am, this ego world barrier to entry is hard.  Especially in the world of love and romance.  I do not care how fancy your apartment is with its spectacular downtown view, what kind of cool car you have or what kind of money you make.  I care about what’s under the hood of the car.  Are you respectful?  Do you think about others besides yourself?  In general do you have the wisdom and maturity to Get It? This is the 1st priority for me.    I am not made to bow down and play small and worship at the alter of ego.  I’m real, and come at people from a sincere place.

If I look at my life this aspect of who I am has created my own barrier to entry.  There is this expectation for women in particular in the face of ego to play up to it. For men like this the men get to call the shots and thus when they say jump I’m expected to ask how high with a smile on my face.  I’m supposed to bow down and lick your boots because of your assets.  Because you’re Mr. Cool guy.  I’m supposed to play small in other words.  But the problem for me is that I have things to offer too as I happen to be a dynamic woman and 1st and foremost I’m not looking to hitch my wagon to you and your ego with its trail of goods. 

What ends up happening is I don’t follow the script.  I’m not being compliant.  I’m not doing what’s expected.  This has created barriers to entry throughout my life.  My desire to stick to truth and not bow to ego at work or bow to mistreatment at work has gotten me fired on more than 1 occasion from jobs.  My desire to be real, even in the face of a soulmate with all the bells and whistles that everyone else likes to focus on means I walk away from something for forever because the cards are on the table and it’s never going to change at this point.  And I just cry and cry because it’s painful but our dynamic has been this way for so long and will never change.  My attempts to connect over and over from a sincere place were never honored or respected.  It was really heartbreaking.

Overall I refuse to be boxed in and play small.  I feel the world needs what I have to offer as a woman and I can only hope that this will someday create openings rather than finding closures.