I’ve been thinking a lot about time investment, as I’m building a business and creating new pathways creatively.

Turning 35 was a big deal for me. It has to do with pathways and where I’m going. Change and life take time and it’s the sum of your daily habits that make a difference. Trajectory is key. 40 is going to be here in the blink of an eye.

I feel like I’ve wasted so much time thus far. I wish I were 25 with the knowledge I have now. This has nothing to do with youth but days on the calendar. My life in the 17 years since I’ve left home at 18 has been so polarizing. I’ve gone from a sheltered, simple, stable life for the first 8 years to a crazy storm-chasing out on the town last 8 years. I call this polarity “the experiment”. It’s the way I was trying to assimilate with my fellow humans. The first wave I thought I was done and building a successful marriage that I would grow with until the day I died. Then, the 2nd wave came unexpectedly and I bravely went out and started learning to assimilate as an individual to the masses. These 2 opposite lives have haunted me as I’ve worked to sort things out.

I am not like the masses. And secretly, this has haunted me too. When I was married and cooking dinner at home every night save for maybe one Friday night out to Bennigans with only soda or tea to drink, and doing 20s things like watching scary movies with my husband, and playing games with my husband, and reading books and discovering bands…it was all very safe and predictable. We would go to the mall and buy the latest Todd MacFarlane figure. And build model cars. And I was so happy not to be at college doing keg stands. I thought alcohol and getting drunk was “dumb”. I loved my simple introverted life with my husband even though the relationship was toxic.

So after my divorce at 26 I do the opposite. I start drinking and going to parties (never drugs save for an occasional smoke of pot as I can’t take pharmaceuticals–my body is really sensitive to drugs). I had sex beyond the only guy I had ever had sex with which was my ex-husband (I was a virgin when I married him). I went to seedy strip clubs with co-workers. I had my 30th birthday in Vegas. I joined social sports leagues. I learned how to play beer pong (I was 33). I went to Burning Man. At one point, a couple of years into this when my ex husband and I were still talking he Facebook messaged me and said candidly on observing my pictures and posts, “I don’t even know who you are anymore”. It was true. Heather was growing up. Is that what this was?

A lot of people would point to this later behavior and say that this is healthy. And I get it. Being naive isn’t “real” or whatever. It’s good to get out there and “live a little”. Except that I would argue that it depends on who you are.

I’ve really been doing soul searching on my two polarizing “experiments” of Ms. Simpleton Nerdy Married Lady vs Ms. Social Butterfly That Keeps Her Finger On the Pulse. And I much prefer the 1st one. If I had to pick of course.

I was thinking about a conversation with a guy friend I had after a season of social sport dodgeball. The group conversation was about who keeps condoms in their purse or at home and he asked me if I kept any at home and I honestly answered no and he thought this was really funny that I didn’t and he started making fun of me for it. The reason why I don’t keep any at home is because I don’t bring guys home and I’ve never brought guys home to my bed. This is because I don’t want some random bro sleeping with me in my bed. I’m not into hook up sex. I never have been and I never will be as there’s no meaning or connection with it. And there is a lot of judgment thrown my way for that by my peers. Because my value system is different I get judged as though there were something wrong with me: Like I have no sex drive, I’m a closet lesbian, ect. I am so sick of this judgment. Just because I’m not like you doesn’t make me “lesser than”. Just because I’m not a “dater” flirting and making things happen with different guys over the years doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me, or that I need fixing. This is just me. It is who I am. I’m different than you. Maybe at 35 still a little innocent? Yep. I’m OK with this. I’m not stupid. I am aware of life and of who I am in this context.

On the flip side those who are into this other way (most everyone) can totally be into this and I don’t judge that. I just can’t relate to it but to each his own. I’m very libertarian in my spirit towards people and very open towards people choosing their own way. It may not be my style but different strokes for different folks. Seeing my fellow ladies taking tons of selfies and making duck faces? That I can do without. Because I want a better planet for our girls who are inheriting this Earth. Because I want these girls/women making the poses to know they can put down the camera and not have to prove a Goddamn thing with their body or face on any level as they are bigger and better than that by the pure force of who they are. In order for planet Earth to hold a space for women to be revered and respected women have to 1st demand that respect.

The most important thing for me moving forward is focus. Concentration is a form of love. If you think about it when you love something or someone you are concentrating. I feel so much happier focusing on my creative goals and my business goals over constant nights and days out on the town. I am so much happier having a quality conversation with one friend at a wine bar than yelling over throngs of people at a pub crawl. I just want my old life back of being grounded at home. I want to get married again/ have a relationship and build my life with a good guy who wants to team up with me on a quality level that’s still fun as I have so much I want to share that’s real with depth that doesn’t happen in vapid settings with vapid cheap sex and vapid fake conversation. I really crave quality and meaning on all levels. Quality as in travel, good movies and books, quality music and good dinners not just running up constant bar tabs all the time getting drunk. I feel confident that those who matter will be in my life and those don’t care will fade away. I’m ready to take things to next level not feeling any shame in who I am, uniquely. Being who you are is a tall order when you’re different. I’m ready to move forward in my life with this difference as I refuse to be ashamed anymore for being a sweet, nice person. This isn’t weakness even though society thinks it is.