2014 rolls out in a few hours for Texas. I have had so many internal changes this year.

The internal compass is so significant because it sets the course for our sail. Things that happen to us stick to us like barnacles on a ship, and can affect our sailing. So much of this we are unaware of as it is subconscious. This is where being a seeker and wanting better can be healing. It’s like the scrubbing down of your ship.

This year there have been external changes of peace that reflect my growing inner peace. I cut my hair off above my shoulders. I haven’t had my hair this short since I was a child. This was a huge pain point for me since I had a mean step father for years that drove me to a barber from when I was 9 until his death when I was 15 and mandated that my hair be cut above my shoulders at all times. The way this sort of thing affects a woman’s growth is unspeakable on so many levels. My long flowing blonde hair I kept until recent was my defiance to him. My highlighting of my hair was a subconscious attempt to keep the corn silk blonde of my childhood just as it was. So much of this was a type of stunted attempt at preservation, a way to stand up for a girl who didn’t have a voice or a choice. I wore her daily.

But New Years one year ago I got the guts to cut it off near my shoulders. By May I cut it right above my shoulders. By the end of August I had cut it the shortest of my adult life. The bleached blonde was gone too as I was slowly cutting it out too. I had been liberated.

It may seem silly, but there was power in this. I may not keep it as short as I cut it, but my chopping off of hair was a definitive liberation. An unleashing of a woman independent of all that hold back.

There have been other small victories. I had been in a very co-dependent marriage at a young age and it has taken me every minute of the 9 years since my divorce to learn to stand on my own feet as a woman as I was such a sheltered, naive girl when I was with my ex with no independent identity for myself. I had to get a grip on the ways of other people and this planet and myself. For the 1st time since my marriage I have gotten back into gaming. My ex was such a big gamer, and game playing was such a big aspect of our marriage that after my divorce I tried to stay far away from things that were such a big part of my life with him. For a normal adult getting a divorce this wouldn’t be a big deal. For a woman trying to make her own identity in the world it was massive. Though I will never have the level of obsession he had as that was a reflection of my co-dependence on his life I can finally move freely in a world on my own two feet and not be held back by guilt or shame on aspects of my life that were who I was when I was so co-dependent. I can go to my gaming meet up’s and enjoy and feel worthy of playing a game of Magic on my own separate from feelings associated with him as I liked that stuff too and I never honored it.

What I am most grateful for coming out of 2014 is the gift of new. New day. New year. Growing out of and above things stronger so that you can look back with love and appreciation for the gifts they gave you rather than being held back. This is the ultimate victory and the ultimate gift.