I never would have killed Bellamy.  He was a great cat.  Siamese, smart, odd like that breed tends to be.  His entire life he had a stomach thing where he would go through spells of throwing up.  It could be controlled with medicine from a vet.  Years ago his vet said the medicine would need to be adjusted throughout his life to keep the tummy spells at bay.

What is kindness? What is grace? When my 2nd stepfather died of leukemia in 2010 my mother had been watching Bellamy that summer while I worked in Oklahoma and my stepfather lay dying.  She and the cat grew close. He was her grace.  He gave her purpose.  When I went back to Austin in the fall that year he stayed with her.  I couldn’t tear them apart.  He had also grown close to her.  Even though he had lived with me since he was a kitten until the age of three he seemed to have still created a great bond with my mother. Her 6th grade students learned to love him.  Mom would tell Bellamy stories.  Everybody knew the cat was her company since widowed by my stepfather.  Everybody thought this was great.  Countless conversations would be made over the phone about the cat.  His special scratching post.  His plate for tuna.  Every time I visited mom he would crawl in her lap and knead her chest and fall asleep while purring.  We always fussed over him.  The cat was the center point.

Bellamy’s tummy issues got worse as he aged.  My mother started to complain.  He was ruining her stuff.  She refused to take him to the vet as it would cost money.  Even though she supposedly loved him she would always state she wouldn’t spend money on him.  Odd.  Hmmmmm.  Bellamy acted the same: playful, quirky, fun.  Except for his spells of throwing up you would think he was a kitten he was so lively;  full of life. Every time I would visit Dallas we would bond further.  He was a great cat.

Last month mom announced she was moving and I needed to take the cat back for a time.  She was stressed about getting her house on the market to sell.  I said yes.  We agreed on the weekend after Easter.  Bellamy’s tummy problems grew worse. Mom refused to take him to the vet as to not spend any money on him, as she always stated.  I googled ways to help him via diet in the meantime.  I sent info to her explaining diet tweaks that could help.  I texted her that when I got him home to Austin I was going to put him on a wet food diet which was better.   I knew when I got my hands on him I would take him back to his vet in Austin and she would adjust his medicine dosage and he would be fine.  This could be controlled.  It was just a matter of time.  Mom called me 2 weeks out from me getting him and said she was going to Phoenix on a 2 day trip, and Bellamy had just ruined her bed spread by throwing up.  She sounded agitated.  I texted her later that week, asking how he was.  She didn’t answer.  Little did I know he was dead.  By week’s end mom was texting me about my ill 95 year old grandmother. She asked me to call her.  At the end of the conversation on my grandmother I asked how Bellamy was doing.  She said oh, about Bellamy.  She had him put to sleep, almost a week prior.  She was tired of him throwing up. She hasn’t told me up until that point. Almost a week later.  And only after I asked about him.  I was dumbfounded.

Was Bellamy terminal?  Of course not.  In pain? No! Bellamy just needed help for these spells.  Did she get him help? No.  She drove him to the vet, and had him put to sleep.  His throwing up and ruining her things was too much of a burden.  Rather than getting him help she just killed him.  Without consulting with me.  Without considering my feelings or even the cat’s well being at all.  Bellamy had been in my life going on 9 years.  He could have easily lived to 20 years.  His issue was completely manageable. There was nothing wrong with him.

I, crying on the phone after hearing about her having him put to sleep so abruptly, asked if she at least stayed with him as the vet administered the lethal cocktail.  She said no.  This cold hearted bitch didn’t even bother staying with him in his last moments. He had become a burden to her and she didn’t want to spend any money to help him, or even consult with me. She just treated him like he was expendable.  Had him put down.  I was supposed to be bringing him home in just 2 weeks. I would have helped him.  But I never got the chance.  She never gave him or me the chance.  She just didn’t care.

Her behavior towards this cat, toward this companion, is so much bigger than what it appears.  It may seem trivial to some. It is not trivial.  It is a reflection of selfish character, of narcissism, of cruelty.  These are forces that have been present my entire life, affecting my life when it comes to general love and acceptance. How do we learn to love as children?? From these people.  Our parents.  What do you do when you have this type of human as your parent? I don’t know.  But this incident with Bellamy shed light for me. It made me realize and see.  It allowed me to bring to light this dark force that had been haunting me my whole life: a force that causes your eyes to look down, a force of shame and sadness.  My inability to make the right kinds of connections with others: all originating from this human.  Her rejection and judgment of me from day one bleeding over into my life in subconscious ways.

I am not cruel like her.  I am not selfish like her.  But I have come to see how this dark force has shaped my life.  This incident with the cat made 36 years of perception for me all at once. I feel now the pockets of pain created by this type of person all throughout various points of my life.

I don’t have a dad, he died long ago, and I have no siblings.  No other real family to speak of.  This woman is it. I’ve come to see I have to move forward on my own from this, and her cruelty and selfishness.  Alone.  I must create my own love, alone and away from all the many things that break my heart which stem from her. These awful people you hold close to your heart you have to let go of as they hold you back. My mother has held me back with her inability to love.  It has caused me to create limiting situations in my life with longing but no real love.  Just crumbs.  It is mandatory I move forward in my life to finally get some sort of redemption as there is nothing here at the family source to lean into or fall back on. 

I have never felt more alone.